Marriage Buster #1

A good dentist handles critical matters in your life like keeping your smile sparkly and your mouth ouch free. My dentist does all that in his sleep. This week I discovered my dentist also saves marriages.

I’m ashamed to admit it: I snore. Not every night, but often enough to drive Mr. UnHollywood totally bonkers. I’d try sleeping on my left side, my right, my back. Nothing worked and I knew when Mr. UnHollywood took his pillow and headed down the hall to sleep in my son’s room who is away at college, I had a real marital problem.

I had to do something. First stop was the Ear, Nose and Throat doc where I learned my left septum is 80% blocked when he insisted on turning my nose inside-out in front of a hand-held mirror to prove his point and I could see that pink hairy tissue up close. Oops. There go my male readers.

Anyway, the ENT also said that gaining weight could cause snoring. I’m not sure if that extra 10 pounds I’m carrying around is the problem, but it’s a good reason to stop eating so many ginger snaps.

Beyond curtailing cookies, the ENT said my best bet to clear my nasal passage and block my noisy vibrating uvula was surgery. Surgery like a wisdom tooth? Or surgery surgery? Under general anesthesia, he would core out my blocked nostril and implant a small device in the back of my throat to stiffen my uvula. As much as I love Mr. UnHollywood, surgery seemed excessive. The recovery time would not allow for walking Molly and Shane or riding Huck for weeks. Besides, any foreign object in my body makes me a little nervous. I tried an IUD once. And once was enough. Any male readers still out there?

Mr. UnHollywood understood, but he wasn’t happy. He tried earplugs. He tried sleeping with a pillow over his head. Nothing worked. Don’t ask me why, but I shared my marital discord with my dentist/brother at a recent check up.

Marriage Saver

Dr. Gregory Kaplan practices general, cosmetic and sleep disorder dentistry in Los Angeles, but he’s more like a Fairy Godmother, really. He didn’t change a pumpkin into a carriage, but he took some impressions and fitted me for an appliance that, so far, has saved my marriage. I can’t say whether my continued snoring would have driven Mr. UnHollywood over the edge. I can tell you that I felt really guilty about causing him so much distress and frustration.

Turn me on

 

 

 

 

 

At bedtime, as I’m finishing the last paragraphs of a chapter, I slip into something ‘more comfortable’ and give it a few turns. The appliance ain’t as sexy as black lace lingerie, but Mr. UnHollywood has favorably responded to my quiet and alluring “new look!”

 

Author Description

Cynthia Baseman

Cynthia Baseman is the author of 'Love, Mom: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Hope.' She writes about motherhood, the environment and education.

There are 9 comments. Add yours

  1. 13th March 2012 | Karen says: Reply
    Love your candor, love that the hero of the story is your brother and love the happy ending for you and your husband!! Sweet dreams!
  2. 11th March 2012 | Stacey Raskin says: Reply
    Great advice...Have those lovely accessories myself....Love the Blog....makes me smile!
  3. 10th March 2012 | Carpool Goddess says: Reply
    I'm so glad your marriage was saved! Is the device comfortable to wear? Do you think it would be an inappropriate anniversary gift? Just curious...
  4. 9th March 2012 | Deborah says: Reply
    Cute story, I'm sure Greg is glad he could save your marriage! If I wasn't the wife of a dentist, I would think the mouth guards look like uncooked shrimp tails!
  5. 9th March 2012 | Mrs. Gregory Kaplan says: Reply
    I recognize that sexy appliance well and I love it! Your brother (my husband and our dentist) does some gnarly snoring of his own. I got to a point of barely functioning from being woken up so many times a night because I wasn't willing to give up cuddling in order to move to another room for uninterrupted sleep. That same appliance lowered the nightly decibels in our bedroom and I'm happy to say that if I wake up in the night these days, it's not from snoring!
  6. 9th March 2012 | Becky G says: Reply
    Hilarious, Perde! Love your writing style. Curious to know more about the device... What is it called, how does it work, how much does it cost if one is not related to the dentist? ...Not that I'm a snorer. Not that there is anything wrong with that. You know, might have a friend...-Curious Becks
    • 10th March 2012 | Cynthia Baseman says: Reply
      Thanks, Perde. So I don't know what it's called, but there are several devices on the market. I had to try two, before I found one that worked. They'll run you about the same cost as eight sessions at the therapists or spa. Pretty good investment because they outlast the average human!
  7. 9th March 2012 | Jaime Kalman Chipko says: Reply
    Cynthia! I love your honesty and sharing yourself so openly with us! And I love that your brother came to the rescue and you didn't have to undergo surgery! It's a great reminder that we all have things that we feel are "imperfections", but they don't have to rob our joy, our peace of mind or our comfort. Just love this blog and I am so blessed to know you!
  8. 9th March 2012 | Ellie may says: Reply
    TMI and too funny!

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