A good dentist handles critical matters in your life like keeping your smile sparkly and your mouth ouch free. My dentist does all that in his sleep. This week I discovered my dentist also saves marriages.
I’m ashamed to admit it: I snore. Not every night, but often enough to drive Mr. UnHollywood totally bonkers. I’d try sleeping on my left side, my right, my back. Nothing worked and I knew when Mr. UnHollywood took his pillow and headed down the hall to sleep in my son’s room who is away at college, I had a real marital problem.
I had to do something. First stop was the Ear, Nose and Throat doc where I learned my left septum is 80% blocked when he insisted on turning my nose inside-out in front of a hand-held mirror to prove his point and I could see that pink hairy tissue up close. Oops. There go my male readers.
Anyway, the ENT also said that gaining weight could cause snoring. I’m not sure if that extra 10 pounds I’m carrying around is the problem, but it’s a good reason to stop eating so many ginger snaps.
Beyond curtailing cookies, the ENT said my best bet to clear my nasal passage and block my noisy vibrating uvula was surgery. Surgery like a wisdom tooth? Or surgery surgery? Under general anesthesia, he would core out my blocked nostril and implant a small device in the back of my throat to stiffen my uvula. As much as I love Mr. UnHollywood, surgery seemed excessive. The recovery time would not allow for walking Molly and Shane or riding Huck for weeks. Besides, any foreign object in my body makes me a little nervous. I tried an IUD once. And once was enough. Any male readers still out there?
Mr. UnHollywood understood, but he wasn’t happy. He tried earplugs. He tried sleeping with a pillow over his head. Nothing worked. Don’t ask me why, but I shared my marital discord with my dentist/brother at a recent check up.
Dr. Gregory Kaplan practices general, cosmetic and sleep disorder dentistry in Los Angeles, but he’s more like a Fairy Godmother, really. He didn’t change a pumpkin into a carriage, but he took some impressions and fitted me for an appliance that, so far, has saved my marriage. I can’t say whether my continued snoring would have driven Mr. UnHollywood over the edge. I can tell you that I felt really guilty about causing him so much distress and frustration.
Turn me on
At bedtime, as I’m finishing the last paragraphs of a chapter, I slip into something ‘more comfortable’ and give it a few turns. The appliance ain’t as sexy as black lace lingerie, but Mr. UnHollywood has favorably responded to my quiet and alluring “new look!”